Sometimes I am not sure which is which anymore. When you have chronic pain, it’s sometimes hard to tell if you just don’t FEEL like doing something, or if your pain is just in a place where you feel like you can’t.
I can always MAKE myself. I can push past the pain and get it done. Sometimes I have no choice. Some days are better than others. Sometimes you have only had moderate pain for a few days and you can push yourself to do something that you know is going to really hurt because you know you can rest the next day or next few hours or whatever. I think it’s the days when you know you have a lot more on your plate, more to do later, that you feel you just CAN’T.
But what is the difference between can’t and don’t WANT to? I could, and probably should, just to get it over with, but my knee is screaming a little or my back is talking back. I don’t know if putting it off will make it better or worse. All I know is, I am tired of being in pain. But does that mean I can’t, or I don’t want to?
I want to be able to do things without thinking so much about it. I don’t want every event to be predicated with thoughts like “I wonder if there are stairs?” I wonder if the stage will be too high?” “I wonder how far I will have to walk?” “How long will I have to stand?” I want to be able to just do something and know I won’t be cramping and achy afterwards. And no, it’s not just age. I have been in pain for the better part of 20 years, and it just keeps getting worse. And I am 70% to blame for my predicament.
So I am ranting a little and complaining, but trying work out the difference between pain with laziness. Not capable and not willing are two different things. So I just have to keep them straight in my head and stop using pain as an excuse when I don’t feel like doing something, although usually the reason I don’t feel like doing something is that I am trying to avoid pain. ARRRRRGH